Conversations between the Mage and the Fanatic

Fanatic: We cannot take too many things for granted...Imagine [that] if light was never given to us, then we [would] have to live in darkness for eternity, or rather, imagine this, if the next morning you wake up and light has [been robbed] from us forever and [we are in] total darkness, how would you feel? Won't you be afraid?...are you sure that you can leave the world with no regrets? Won't you feel it will be too late by then? Won't you feel any regrets?

Mage: I don't hope, I will it. You are JP, yet you willingly succumb to the wheels. That, I believe, is how you have changed. Do you still even question anything, old friend? I am not sure what comes after death, I can only say that if really there is life after death, life is even more miserable than I thought possible. You keep on saying that you want to spend eternity in heaven. To me, that is worse than the human life I am living. Life is precious and beautiful simply because of its transcience. But you fail to grasp that. To you, eternity seems to be everything.

You keep saying that you are afraid of being an animal after you die. Can I know what is so fearful about that? An animal is not sentient and in many ways, that is a blessing. It doesn't know boredom, not the futility of the world. Every day is just another day.

Wanting to do good to evade the reincarnation into a beast. How selfish the aims are then. Others help simply because they want to help without due consideration of the rewards. That is the truest form of morality. And how can you be sure that the goodness that you have done would tip the scales in your favor?

All quiet at the front

Everyday, I am reminded of A, that I am not to stagnate, to linger in that comfort zone that promotes no growth, but a degenerate state of being. I look at F, and promise myself that I must improve in all fronts, intellectually and physically, he constantly in a state of improvement. And between these extremes, L is the impetus, that to avoid being looked down upon, I must fight.

I dont understand human beings, why they are beings capable of so much love and cruelty at the same time.

Anniversary of 'Lif'e's a b(itch/each)'

All these years of being cast the disdainful eye, the aghast look that spurs me, that convinces me that I do not belong to that group of human beings, that I am the paradox, the enigma that escapes definition, escapes understanding psychologically. My cadaver is no longer my cadaver, with chemicals oozing out from every pore, I am just a walking husk.

Where is my mind? Floating aimlessly across the aether in search of eternal peace, that is, extinction. All 30 years of existential porings are brought down unto me on this very day that marks the beginning of damnation and bittersweet sorrows and memories. Let things not be rewritten, but erased completely such that entropy reigns. This is the teleological principle.

Quipped

Life is all the more beautiful when you know that it is transcient, fleeting, and one pursues desperately for activities that bestow meaning, and the only true meaning comes from you alone. What is your meaning?

Iceman

If you ask me whether I am happy now, I would tell you I am upset. Terribly upset. So upset that I have contemplated quitting. But that is of no matter. Because I am a civil servant. And being a servant means I am paid to do work, not to feel happy or sad. I am obliged to fulfill my duties, not to feel happy for what I am doing. We are mere pawns, robots, tools, and we are not supposed to feel anything but work. Welfare is but an illusion, a delusion. Corporate needs come first. I am the Iceman.

Where I should go

It is a constant reminder of my present state and the past that hovers behind, that I have to plan for my future. Meaning may be a social construct, but I still must push on. What do I want to do from now on? I am done with the depths of depression for now, and I must surge. But to where?

Why I am not religious

I am not against Religion in any sense, being one of the crucial opiate of the masses, it's the human-centric-ness of it all that I am reeling from. Everything centers on the human and the rest plays second fiddle. Science, on the other hand, resonates with the Natural World, in that humans are mere paltry things that figure as importantly as the blade of grass that I've just stepped on. Humans are bodies of Nature, after all.

This coincides with the shift from pagan cults to the Religions that we see today, the former as being blasphemous and everything.

Humans are the viruses of Mother Nature, and she has engineered a virus within a virus. Such is the power of Nature, but would it be too late, too weak? Or would humans recant their selfish nature and realign themselves with her again?