Today's the day

Today's the day of the ROM. It is a fine day, where the weather is cool and calm, unlike the the turmoils in my mind. Everyone asks, when's my turn, and yet, what could I have said? When I haven't even figured out who I am?

Many things remain undone, my life stuck between the inchoate and terminating stage. He looked so unchanged, and the other looked so different, and I marvel at the passage of time. Am I a beneficiary or a casualty? Or am I simply the bystander?

I remain far from my goals, or rather, mentally mired but physically pushed along places not of my own choosing.The fact remains; Who am I?

I long for the comfort of my words, my books, my mind. Things change, and that is unsettling.

The Stupidest Day

By this time, I think I am stupid. I think that if I can't do what the rest can achieve easily, that's stupidity. Looking at my ex-neighbour who has a mental handicapp, I wonder if I belong to that category without realising it. So many people have been deceived by my innocuous self. Or maybe I'm just lousy in Mathematics. Am I stupid? Am I clever? Who can tell?

The Lesson

It stretches, unconcerned,
Torturing, thickening,
That gossamer mess
Of convolution that
Strangles you, that lays
Waste to your mind, as
You wait, for that 2012 famine,
But leaves you dry, a blabbering
Fool, what you must do
Pourquoi

Marriage

Marriage has been against my postmodern sensibilities, and a fellow postmodern has decided he is going to marry after all, and of course, it affects me. Must I succumb in the end to the fatalistic phenomena? Must I surrender to the normalcy and admit my humanity? At the back of my mind, I had hoped the stasis persists. And this rocks my stability. It comes tumbling back, everything comes tumbling back and I have no defence against it. I don't understand Him at all, but then, I could never underestimate the power of the collective unconscious of which He is the Master, the Mind aspect of the Trinity.

I am not human. I am waiting and ever since 15, I am merely living on borrowed time.

Hope

Carry the hope till the day you die, and continue hoping, and one day, I would not cease to be, for that is the hope I carry, as I continue to wait for Him.

Meal

The Leader spark is reliant on several factors, and no amount of training will create that spark. One must understand the system of processes and the system of human interactions. Then again, there is the HEP - Human-earth-people factor.

Looking around

Every time it's evening again, I look at my life of twenty-nine years and wonder what achievements have I made. I look at my body with its degenerate front, the decadence showing all too obviously in my gut. I hate it. I hate to juggle the finances, the physical, the mental. It's too much.