Fear

Often, I feel very afraid, and very much wanted to hide in one corner, sheltered from the storms of reality. I needed protection. I need the power, to be infused with that magical strength, to force my way through every impasse lurking around me. I need the Force and the Will, so that I could deal with every obstacle before me. The coward must be stamped out. It would not survive in the harsh reality. God could not protect me. I have found that out for myself. Fear is still very much frothing in the mouth, that greenish bile that threatens to grip me, to overwhelm me.

Let the Blue guide me. Let the Blue begin.

Epo e tai tai

This is more than just a song. It is a song of revelry and bawdiness, of debauchery and exultation of life. It is a song to follow you into battle, into the wildeness, that whatever happens, c'est la vie. La raison, ce n'est existe pas. Let the surge of life overwhelm you, and it echoes.

Glimpses of the Past

We are exiles of our own choosing. We chose to submit to the wiles of nature, to surrender to the whims of the elements. We are truly the sons of the earth now.

Outback

Outback on the cold wintry fields of yore
Sitting in the cramped confines I saw
The Dravidian crossed with the Asiatic
In that curious mixture of everything

Blank

The blank faces on the streets bely the tragic monotony of the everyday struggles, modern or otherwise. Life never ceases to show in the ordinary.

Tyler

If you ask me what animal do I resemble the most, it's the Tasmanian Devil. Demure at a distance, but when someone approaches, it responds with a snarl and bites.

Inside every one of us, there is a Tyler Durden waiting to break free. I am no saint. If truth be told, I am looking and thinking what is it like to fuck the person senseless. To break free of the strictures of society. This is Tyler Durden speaking.

Hurdles

If the hurdle comes, jump over it. If the problem comes, solve it. If the enemy comes, fight it. When push comes to shove, the obstacle must be dealt with. This is life.

When the water comes, embrace it.

Do not have the illusion over emotional attachments then. Everything is transient. You don't beat yourself up over it, because it doesn't work that way.

Hubris

This is the only place where I am free to let my thoughts roam in wanton verbose, where I would not be derided for my unbridled sense of linguistics and semantics. This is my abode, where I raise my shields of self-imposed hermitage. Let not the plebeians whine and rage at their linguistic incompetence. I am elite. This is my hubris.

Rage

Repeated attempts at expiating my lustful energies seem to be futile, and it will be soon before the claws of passion strike at my essence. Passions that are misdirected and unfulfilled. You may think I am past my prime, yet my blood still rages down there.

The furor Escalates

The furor escalates, the anger builds up
Beating against the walls of fate
Against the damning spindles of that three damning whores
That the scythe is a respite for all that is worth

Life Sweeps

Life sweeps across the golden fields
In whirls, and whorls of chiming peals
The scythe in its glistening glow
Cuts, swipes, weeps, a ring in its throes

Bell sounds

The zen chants resume
The bells sound their deathly knell
An echo to Life

Trespassers

I am not going to let anyone trample on my heart any more. Trespassers are not tolerated and I listen for the waters of my homeland, the rushing of the weeping brook, the glaciers crisscrossing the icy landscape of my heart.

This is the juncture of all events, as my bond ends, I pause and wonder where I should proceed. Would I run to Japan, or Hong Kong for a short stint? Would I fly to France to pursue my Masters? Or would I linger in the bowels of hell and rot to the high heavens?

I am wont to write something, in the wake of Palaniuk, but time is pressing on me, like the vice of Orthodoxy. When would my break come? Questions abound.

Chiisai

I am not destined for great things. I am destined to be holed up in a corner doing my small nitty gritty and hiding from the whole world typing in this obscure blog which no one should know. I am responsible only for myself, and that is it. The world will collapse and the stars shall be extinguished, and I shall care for myself only. Such is the scope of my world. The world of me.

Failure

If you are looking for a definition of a failure, you are looking at him. A failure is defined as someone who is stupid, fat, unhandsome, with a pockmarked face, with neither house or car to call his own, and no savings to top it off.

This incident has lead me to realize how much of a failure I am. If the foreign land has been beckoning, the voice is ever more stronger than before.

I wish to excommunicate my family, to live by myself. Damn society, with its irrational rules about people buying a house. I am more determined than ever to earn my keep.

The World of Brian Tyler

The first rule of Brian Tyler; anything that moves, or controls you, you either fuck it or fight it. Who is Brian Tyler? If Xavier Harker is the magical aspect, then Tyler is the reality aspect of life. Emotions are but accessories, taken off when necessary. This world is for sluts, not wimps; fighters, not whiners. When push comes to shove, make sure you do shove, and shove it hard into the arse. This is Life.

Tyler rules.

Second rule: You do not talk about Tyler's club.

Crap

If there's one thing I've learnt, it's to learn how to clear the crap that is constantly churned out by work. Grab life by the horns and wrestle it to the ground. The Mind is there for you to tap into. Let Will guide your way. This is my Reality.

Sorrow

Let the sorrows begin anew! Let it drown me in its resplendent glory! The nadir is mine alone to endure, to suffocate me! Sorrow becomes me! I am the stupid, the ugly and the wretched. This is my life.

The greatest sorrow is the continuation of life, willy-nilly. The icing on the cake will be eternal life in heaven.

It's My Life

Miserable wretched life that bears no meaning except for the continuation of its incumbent sorrows. This is my life. To hell with karma, and the Church. Abject sorrow is the only recourse available.

Nietzschean Whelp

The wayward soul, that Nietzchean whelp

wades along the emerald coast, searching, searching

for the transcendental, and of all people,

he should pick up that Pandora box, that crucible

that verisimilitude of excitement, danger and the unthinkable

Breaking Ties

It's nice to be freed from the bindings of love. Once you have tasted it, the memory is more than enough. It is better to be flying solo than pander to the whims of the duo, especially if the other half does not speak your language. I realized that even love is a play on the stage. And it is the curtain's call, without my knowing at first.

I am Xavier Harker through and through. JWA does not exist anymore. At least not to me.

The Pledge

I pledge, to treat myself better, to indulge in the bacchanalia, to be drunk in the pleasures of the mind, to cater to the whims of the flesh, to forget what was the past, to look forward to the future, and to sleep in the pouring rain.

The End of a Dream

This is the finality of things, the end of that year long, or rather less than a year long dream which some might call love or relationship. The closure is rather vague but the purpose is very real indeed. The end to everything I know and love. Much as I hate to admit, there are still remnants of that emotion. Now, it is the clear-up phase. Life still has to go on. At least if life ends, I am answerable to no one. I am alone once more, as the void closes up on me again. The Postmodern is back. The barrier is complete.

Amnesia

It's times like this, when you spend too much time by yourself, that this neverending struggle between wanting human company and alone by yourself, is renewed. It's times like this when you wish you have self-induced amnesia, and you forget the bad times along with the good.

What is it like to forget all your friends and family, and your world becomes more private than ever, simply because there is no one to share your memory with. Maybe it will get lonelier, but maybe you forget about being lonely too.

Never Be the Same Again

You are the one who taught me.

You are the one who taught me that these are most natural.

You are the one who taught me how to love, how not to love and everything that comes with that illusion.

You taught me what is real and the flip side of it.

You taught me to control my superstitions and master my fate.

You taught me how to fight like I never did before. And I started fighting you too.

You showed me what I was like, unwittingly, and you exposed fully the hidden Harker in me

And I will never be the same again. Never ever again.