Meal

The Leader spark is reliant on several factors, and no amount of training will create that spark. One must understand the system of processes and the system of human interactions. Then again, there is the HEP - Human-earth-people factor.

Looking around

Every time it's evening again, I look at my life of twenty-nine years and wonder what achievements have I made. I look at my body with its degenerate front, the decadence showing all too obviously in my gut. I hate it. I hate to juggle the finances, the physical, the mental. It's too much.

Alien

For all that I know, it could have been an alien tongue altogether. I may know the language, but I have yet to grasp the intricacies of the Western culture. It is the user, not the language per se that makes up the language. It is the verbal sparring that makes the Western western. And I have no practice at that sort of thing, living here in Singapore. Singapore is a place with aloof service staff, pared down to the merely functional and said for the sake of business, and nothing else. There is no aesthetic.

But over there, it takes ingenuity to keep up with the conversational pinball, that it tests my limits and revamps my conventional ideas of socializing. Banter requires skill, pronunciation requires skill and effort, and I am utterly defeated. Here, the impassive bears out its advantages. I am laconic, born and made. The silence is welcoming.

Nightmare

It was a literal nightmare. Even till now, I am running through the sequences of the ceremony. Did I do anything incorrectly? Did I snatch the certificate? I don't know, something's blanking the memory out. I freaked out. How could I ever let myself into that situation, I cannot figure it out. At the back of my mind, I am doing something stupid, something ridiculous that will make me a total laughingstock. Maybe slip and fall or something. And I am afraid. I am afraid my hair is too long, my moustache showing, my breath too smelly. Everything is horrendous. Save me.

Heresy

I have not counted on doing what came naturally to me: to flare up in the face of discomfort. The heat and the seconds the clock was ticking away was maddening and frustrating, an anathema to what I hold dear, a heresy to my principles. And I forgot the simple act of excusing myself in that fakingly, gallant way I affect to oil the social links. Sickening. So now I face the consequences and bear the stigma I remembered so well. That brings memories I stifled for so long, memories that do not tolerate the light of day, but ever skulking in the shadows of my mind. But now exposed, it is a heresy.

Yet (Excerpt)

If there is anything that can be said of this life,
it is all the more richer than when I was born
because of the memories accrued
from the pains and pleasures of life.
It is the waiting that matters
more that the event I am waiting for.

The Daily Muck

As I muck through each day in tiredness and dread, it seems the day doesn’t end. Decisions and responsibilities call for my action which seems delayed and not forthcoming. I am only glad I got out of this mess, yet every year, the return decays my confidence, and augment my sorrows and incapacitates me further than I ever could. I am a schoolboy once again, deferring and useless at commanding. The rank is just a burden and shames me, a useless piece of insignia that reminds me of what I am actually worth. I surrender since that is my only course.