Marriage

Marriage has been against my postmodern sensibilities, and a fellow postmodern has decided he is going to marry after all, and of course, it affects me. Must I succumb in the end to the fatalistic phenomena? Must I surrender to the normalcy and admit my humanity? At the back of my mind, I had hoped the stasis persists. And this rocks my stability. It comes tumbling back, everything comes tumbling back and I have no defence against it. I don't understand Him at all, but then, I could never underestimate the power of the collective unconscious of which He is the Master, the Mind aspect of the Trinity.

I am not human. I am waiting and ever since 15, I am merely living on borrowed time.

Hope

Carry the hope till the day you die, and continue hoping, and one day, I would not cease to be, for that is the hope I carry, as I continue to wait for Him.

Meal

The Leader spark is reliant on several factors, and no amount of training will create that spark. One must understand the system of processes and the system of human interactions. Then again, there is the HEP - Human-earth-people factor.

Looking around

Every time it's evening again, I look at my life of twenty-nine years and wonder what achievements have I made. I look at my body with its degenerate front, the decadence showing all too obviously in my gut. I hate it. I hate to juggle the finances, the physical, the mental. It's too much.

Alien

For all that I know, it could have been an alien tongue altogether. I may know the language, but I have yet to grasp the intricacies of the Western culture. It is the user, not the language per se that makes up the language. It is the verbal sparring that makes the Western western. And I have no practice at that sort of thing, living here in Singapore. Singapore is a place with aloof service staff, pared down to the merely functional and said for the sake of business, and nothing else. There is no aesthetic.

But over there, it takes ingenuity to keep up with the conversational pinball, that it tests my limits and revamps my conventional ideas of socializing. Banter requires skill, pronunciation requires skill and effort, and I am utterly defeated. Here, the impassive bears out its advantages. I am laconic, born and made. The silence is welcoming.

Nightmare

It was a literal nightmare. Even till now, I am running through the sequences of the ceremony. Did I do anything incorrectly? Did I snatch the certificate? I don't know, something's blanking the memory out. I freaked out. How could I ever let myself into that situation, I cannot figure it out. At the back of my mind, I am doing something stupid, something ridiculous that will make me a total laughingstock. Maybe slip and fall or something. And I am afraid. I am afraid my hair is too long, my moustache showing, my breath too smelly. Everything is horrendous. Save me.

Heresy

I have not counted on doing what came naturally to me: to flare up in the face of discomfort. The heat and the seconds the clock was ticking away was maddening and frustrating, an anathema to what I hold dear, a heresy to my principles. And I forgot the simple act of excusing myself in that fakingly, gallant way I affect to oil the social links. Sickening. So now I face the consequences and bear the stigma I remembered so well. That brings memories I stifled for so long, memories that do not tolerate the light of day, but ever skulking in the shadows of my mind. But now exposed, it is a heresy.