Barrier

As I turn inward, my energies focused on the barrier that I have thought long gone, the remnants of which a dismaying echo of what it once was. I need to erect that barrier once agin, faced with this onslaught.

Nobody knows Xavier Harker, and that is how it shall be. The lingering echoes of my own mind is a comforting silence, a solace that is no other. Let the ice surge again in all its silent rage and power, let the ice reign and cover over. The cold is my comfort!

I wonder

I wonder, what is it like being slim, because I have never been slim before. I wonder, what is it like being handsome, because I have never been handsome before. I wonder, what is it like being smart, because I have never been smart before.

And as I look at the stars high nigh in the heavens, and the trees standing for posterity, my troubles did seem trifle. Yet, what have I learnt today?

Sorrow has come to me, and it is welcoming, for I have missed it so. This nadir becomes me, and in achieving my ideals, the sadness becomes inevitable. Is this my fate? Should I continue? O Sadness, O Sorrow, let it wash over me, despite the little bits of happiness found around me, this inundation is my destiny. Is there no escaping my destiny, as my dreams become reality, in that oppressive place of work, where I have no illusions left, everything is ripped bare and stark for all to see, that the place is not the place for me.

He remains in that place, his yearning for another time, another place, remains elusive, rendering him frustrated, yet for all that is worth, he cannot leave. Another sad little fellow that seeks asylum in the traps of jokes that bear no trace of true happiness. Pitiable, yet deserving. He is the representation of all that is human; suffering to the ends of time, until the Lord claims him.

Xavier Harker is nigh.

They passed me by, with disinterested stares, paying no heed to the drifting figure, who bears no recognition of his surroundings. His mind, delibilitated, memories and the mind receding until all that is left is the husk, a shambling husk. Slowly, slowly, the delibilitation may prove fatal, as the husk shambles towards his death, ironically a welcomed prospect.

How can one survive such an onslaught? Is it what I want? I am losing my language, constantly under barrage by the mesolect and the basilect. It is horrendous, and I wonder how long would it be before I too, succumb to the hideous linguistic environment.

Stagnate

Yet again, I press on keenly for change, for everything around me stagnates. It is puzzling and a dismay that people languish in perpetual constancy. Change, it may be, but towards which direction?

I cannot allow myself to remain mired in that pool anymore. So I will change. Marriage is not for me.

Hardships

Hardship is a necessary evil. It is human nature to suffer, no more, no less. Human beings suffer the moment they draw breath, interspersed with occasions of pleasure, although a temporary respite, it balances the perpetual suffering borne by human kind. When will it end, that is the question.
Christians sought this end through God, Buddhists through Nirvana. I would have it through my Lord, Time and Mind.

Mathematics

In life, people find out what they are good at and leverage on that to eke a living. And my heel is Mathematics. No matter how I see it, it's not going to work, be it teaching or learning, the disgust is thorough. I cannot imagine going through that pain of that again. What does she want? I don't know either, except that she has utterly killed my interest. I abhor Mathematics to the core. It's the end. Give me an egress, I say.

Heraclitus

There must always be change. The rule is, the only constant is change. No change is the worst of all, that rancid stagnancy that reeks of ineptness. Every day, I need to sense some change, facing off that intangibility that we call Eternity. Immortality in heaven is not a blessing. That is why I am not a Christian. To linger in that immutable state of existence is sheer torture.

One must change, learn something every day, get fatter or slimmer or obsolete. When I try to connect with the past I left behind, it's that bittersweet experience of utter degeneracy that makes change all the more sweeter now that that was gone. God forbid that I lapse into that hell. I see that image before me in FX, and I shudder. That mindless state of being horrifies me no end.

Have you changed today?